ISDN: It Still Does Nothing

APPLE: Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity

SCSI: System Can't See It

DOS: Defective Operating System

BASIC: Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control

IBM: I Blame Microsoft

DEC: Do Expect Cuts

CD-ROM: Consumer Device - Rendered Obsolete in Months

OS/2: Obsolete Soon, Too.

WWW: World Wide Wait

MACINTOSH: Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs

PENTIUM: Produces Erroneous Numbers Thru Incorrect Understanding of Mathematics

AMIGA: A Merely Insignificant Game Addiction

LISP: Lots of Infuriating & Silly Parentheses

MIPS: Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed

WINDOWS: Will Install Needless Data On Whole System

MICROSOFT: Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers

RISC: Reduced Into Silly Code

Top Ten Reasons Why Computers Are Males:

10. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.

9. A better model is always just around the corner.

8. They look nice and shiny until you bring them home.

7. It is always necessary to have a backup.

6. They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.

5. The best part of having either one is the games you can play.

4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

3. The lights are on but nobody's home.

2. Big power surges knock them out for the night.

1. Size does matter

The Top Six Reasons Why Computers Are Female:

6. As soon as you have one, a better one is just around the corner.

5. No one but the creator understands the internal logic.

4. Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference.

3. The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

2. The message "Bad Command or File Name" is about as informative as "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you."

1. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half of your wages on accessories for it.

Operating systems

If operating systems ran airlines

(from a talk by an anonymous IBM employee)

DOS Airlines - Everybody pushes the airplane until it glides, then jumps on and lets the plane coast until it hits the ground again, then push again, jump on again and so on and so on.

MAC Airlines - All the stewards, stewardesses, captains, baggage handlers and ticket agents look the same, act the same and talk the same. Every time you ask questions about details, you are told you don't need to know, don't want to know, and everything will be done without you even having to know so just shut up.

OS/2 Airlines - To board the plane, you have your ticket stamped 10 different times by standing in 10 different lines. Then you fill out a form showing where you want to sit and whether if should look and feel like an ocean liner, a passenger train or a bus. If you succeed in getting on board the plane and the plane succeeds in getting off the ground, you have a wonderful trip ...except times when the rudder and flaps get frozen in position, in which case you have time to say your prayers and get yourself prepared for the crash.

WINDOWS Airlines - The terminal is nice and colorful, with friendly stewards and stewardesses, easy access to the plane and an uneventful takeoff. Then the plane blows up without any warning whatsoever.

WINDOWS NT Airlines - Everyone marches out on the runway, says the password in unison and forms the outline of a plane. Then they all sit down and make a whooshing noise like a plane.

Windows95 Airlines - The captain has been announcing boarding plans for about a year and as soon as it's ready you'll be told where you are going. In the meantime you can stand at the window and crane your neck with reporters from every magazine on the continent.

UNIX Airlines - Everyone brings one piece of the airplane with them when they come to the airport. They all go out on the runway and put the plane together piece by piece, arguing constantly about what kind of plane they are building.

HOW DOES THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

NT Chicken
Will cross the road in June; no, in August. September for sure.

OS/2 Chicken
It tried to cross the road several times, and finally gave up.

Win 95 Chicken
You see different colored feathers while it crosses, but cook it and it still tastes like ... chicken.

Microsoft Chicken (TM)
It's already on both sides of the road. And it just bought the road.

UNIX Chicken
There's no real reason to cross the road. Just make a symbolic link to the chicken anywhere you want it to be.

OOP Chicken
It doesn't need to cross the road, it just sends a message.

Assembler Chicken
First it builds the road ...

C Chicken
It crosses the road without looking both ways.

C++ Chicken
The chicken wouldn't have to cross the road, you'd simply refer to him on the other side.

VB Chicken
US Highways! The Road cross (a Chicken)

Delphi Chicken
The chicken is dragged across the road and dropped on the other side.

Java Chicken
If your road needs to be crossed by a chicken, the server will download a chicklet to the other side.

Web Chicken
Jumps out onto the road, turns right, and just keeps on running.

Gopher Chicken
Tried to run, but got flattened by the Web chicken.

Newton Chicken
Can't cluck, can't fly, and can't lay eggs, but you can carry it across the road in your pocket.

Cray Chicken
Crosses faster than any other chicken, but if you don't dip it in liquid nitrogen first, it arrives on the other side fully cooked.

Quantum Logic Chicken
The chicken is distributed probabilistically on all sides of the road until you observe it on the side of your course.

Lotus Chicken
Don't you dare try to cross the road the same way we do!

Mac Chicken
No reasonable chicken owner would want a chicken to cross the road, so there's no way to tell it to.