Humor: A alternative diet. Beats fasting any day.

SOON Online Magazine

For all of you who have attempted various diets this one is probably worth considering.
You may already be using it!

A diet for "Stress"
Breakfast Half a grapefruit, 1 slice whole wheat-toast dry, 8 oz. skimmed milk
Lunch 4 oz. lean broiled chicken breast, 1 cup steamed spinach 1 cup herb tea, 1 chocolate cookie biscuit
Mid-afternoon snack Rest of the chocolate cookies in the package 2 pints of rocky road ice cream, 1 jar hot fudge sauce, nuts, cherries, whipped cream
Dinner 2 loaves garlic bread with cheese large sausage, mushroom and cheese pizza 3 Milky Way candy bars
Late evening news Entire frozen cheesecake, eaten directly from freezer
Rules for this diet

If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.
If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are cancelled out by the diet soda.
When you eat with someone else, calories don’t count if you don’t eat more than they do.
Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.
If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.
Movie-related foods (Milk Duds, Buttered Popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots, Tootsie Rolls, etc.) do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one’s personal fuel.
Cookie pieces contain no calories — the process of breaking causes calorie leakage.
Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something. Examples are peanut butter on a knife while making a sandwich and ice cream on a spoon when making a sundae.
Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories. Examples are: spinach and pistachio ice cream; mushrooms and white chocolate.
Foods that are frozen have no calories because calories are units of heat.
Examples are ice cream, frozen pies, and popsicles.

Note: Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color.

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A diet for "Stress"
Breakfast	Half a grapefruit, 1 slice whole wheat-toast dry, 8 oz. skimmed milk
Lunch	4 oz. lean broiled chicken breast, 1 cup steamed spinach 1 cup herb tea, 1 chocolate cookie biscuit
Mid-afternoon snack	Rest of the chocolate cookies in the package 2 pints of rocky road ice cream, 1 jar hot fudge sauce, nuts, cherries, whipped cream
Dinner	2 loaves garlic bread with cheese large sausage, mushroom and cheese pizza 3 Milky Way candy bars
Late evening news	Entire frozen cheesecake, eaten directly from freezer
Rules for this diet If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are cancelled out by the diet soda. When you eat with someone else, calories don’t count if you don’t eat more than they do. Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner. Movie-related foods (Milk Duds, Buttered Popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots, Tootsie Rolls, etc.) do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one’s personal fuel. Cookie pieces contain no calories — the process of breaking causes calorie leakage. Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something. Examples are peanut butter on a knife while making a sandwich and ice cream on a spoon when making a sundae. Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories. Examples are: spinach and pistachio ice cream; mushrooms and white chocolate. Foods that are frozen have no calories because calories are units of heat. Examples are ice cream, frozen pies, and popsicles. Note: Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color.