SOON Online Magazine

Stories

Past Present and Future

By Sahar Sabati

Sharon walked down the platform, pulling her suitcase trolley. The trolley held a small carry-on bag and a leather bag, containing one of her most precious belongings. But lately, Sharon had come to resent the bag's contents. It was as if she was ready for something, that big changes were in store for her... But the doll was holding her back. The train was ready to pull out of the station at any moment. She spotted an open doorway and climbed up, dragging the trolley after her. She entered the car, and peered into the various compartments. To her relief, there weren't many passengers. She finally spotted an empty compartment, and closed the door behind her. She needed the time alone, some peace and quiet, to think things over. She had to make a decision, and had to make it fast. Pierce wasn't going to wait any longer, she could feel it. He loved her dearly, but she had kept him, unfairly, in a limbo for too long. "Sharon, honey. Why can't you just say yes? " he had asked her. " Pierce, don't you understand? I'm too scared of loosing you. " " You might lose me anyhow " he had grumbled, upset at her latest refusal. She had good reasons to refuse his proposal. Any man who came into her life died. She was jinxed, and she knew it. Her best friend in kindergarden, a little boy named Sean, had been killed in a hit and run by a drunk driver. Her father had died; his car has slipped off the road during an ice storm. Her grand-father had also passed away before he made it to retirement. Always hale and healthy, he had died in his sleep, at the relatively young age of 64. Then her brother had been killed in a school schooting incident. Her step-father had been the next one to go, killed in a freak work accident. The last straw had been the suicide of Collin, her best friend. She still hadn't recovered from that, and that had happened more than three years ago. For someone who was only 21, Sharon had lost too many loved ones in her life. Her mother always told her that it was better to have known love then lost it than not to have known it at all. " I was blessed " she told her daughter many times. " I found two men to love, to wonderful men I will never ever forget. If I had to relive my life, I wouldn't change a thing." But Sharon had seen her mother suffering. She had heard her crying late into the night. She was afraid of losing her mother, but her curse seemed only to touch the men in her life. So she has isolated herself in a woman's world, by going to an all-girl school, and avoiding men. Then she had met Pierce. She had fallen in love with him against her will. She couldn't love any man. She shouldn't love any man. He would die soon afterwards. It was always the same. Sharon sighed as she shifted in her seat. The train started moving. Sharon noticed with a start she hadn't even taken her coat off. She had been too engrossed in her memories. " You live in the past, sweetheart. You aren't jinxed. You are just a very strong person who has survived a lot of bad luck. " She ignored her mother's voice and stood up, shrugging her coat off. She folded it carefully and slid it in the overhead compartment. She straightened the suitcase trolley in front of her. Her hand lovingly brushed the leather bag. Her father had given her the doll when she had turned eight. It was a beautiful porcelain doll she had spied in the toy store around the corner. " She's beautiful, daddy. Thank you ! " " You're more beautiful, honey. Never forget that. " How she missed her father! Her stepfather had given her the leather bag when she had turned thirteen. " A beautiful doll like that should only be carried in the best bag " he had told her. Tearily, Sharon had hugged her step-father. She had never loved him more. He had understood her need for a father that wouldn't want to erase the memories of her real father, just make new ones. She had lost him five years later. " You were also blessed, sweety, with two fathers, both wonderful fathers who taught you all the important things in life. " Tears filled her eyes. Why her? Why did she loose all her friends? Was she destined to remain alone, killing off any man who dared become too close to her? But there was Pierce... How she loved him! Every time she decided that she had to break up with him before she killed him off, her heart would constrict painfully and she would grasp unto a reason, any reason, to put it off. " You aren't jinxed, Sharon. " " I won't risk losing him, mother. " " You will lose him eventually, honey. And it will be just as painful, with no memories to hold on to. " " I won't kill him. " " Sharon, you didn't kill your father, you didn't kill Sean, you didn't kill Collin. You didn't kill your grand-father, and you didn't kill your stepfather! Get over it, Sharon. You are too old for this nonsense. " Pierce had told her the same thing. " If marrying you means dying young, well, it's worth it. Sharon, I love you. I can't bear the thought of losing you. I want to marry you, and spend whatever time we have building wonderful memories. I want to have children with you, and only you. Why do you keep this jinx between our happiness? " " I don't want to lose you " she had repeated stubbornly. She had briefly toyed with the idea of having an affair, to have his kids without actually marrying him. But she couldn't. Marriage first. She wouldn't give herself to anyone, even Pierce, without being married. The train shuddered to a halt. Sharon glanced at her watch and was startled. She was almost there! There was only one stop between her stop and Pierce's. She smiled as she thought of seeing him. Pierce.... The door to the compartment opened. A young man, a couple of years older than her, hesitated in the doorway. Sharon smiled at him, ignoring her annoyance at having her privacy intruded upon. But the ride was more than halfway over. " Please, come in " she invited him in, pushing the trolley over to grant him more space. The man smiled. " Thank you, Ma'am. The other compartments are already full. I hope I'm not interrupting anything. " Sharon shook her head, smiling up at him. It was then she noticed the puffy eyes. She frowned as he sat down. " Is something wrong? " The man sighed. " I just lost my job. " " Oh. I'm so sorry. " " It's OK. I have another offer for January. But I won't get any Christmas bonus. Which means a pretty dull Christmas for my little Emily. " " Emily? " The man smiled. Sharon was struck by how his whole face suddenly seemed to shine. " My baby girl. Although I shouldn't call her baby. She's only six, but God forbid I call her little or baby. " Sharon smiled. " She's your only child? " " Yes. My wife is sick. She can't have any other children. She.... She's dying. " Sharon's heart constricted painfully. " I'm so sorry. " " Yeah. So am I. If I could change something, that would be it. " Sharon hesitated. " Can I ask you a personal question? " The man threw her a puzzled look. " Sure. " " You don't have to answer. " " Ok. " Sharon took a deep breath. " If you were to start over, would you not get married? Because you are going.... Because you are going to lose her? " The man seems startled by her question. " No " he replies softly. " I would still fall in love with her and ask her to marry me. She didn't want to marry me at first. She was convinced she was jinxed. " Sharon felt the blood drain from her face. " What? " The man smiled softly. " She lost her father and both her brothers. She also lost her cousin, who, in a way, took her brothers' place. She was convinced if she fell in love with me, she'd lose me too. It's ironic... She won't lose me, I will lose her... " " I'm jinxed too " Sharon whispered, eyes swimming. The man looked at her, startled. " Why do you think you are jinxed? " Slowly, haltingly, the whole story came out. " Just like my wife. But let me tell you something. " The man leaned forward, looking deeply into her eyes. " My wife told me about her disease about a week after we met. She was refusing to go on a date with me, and I told her I wanted a valid explanation. So she told me, and told me she had a limited number of years to live. When that didn't deter me, she told me about her self-imposed jinx." " What did you say? " " I told her that if our days were counted, then we'd better start enjoying them ASAP. We got married a month later. We haven't wasted a single moment. And I don't regret it. I also told her that if the jinx was real, we'd better start saving money for our children and name good, dependable godparents for them." Sharon wiped the tears from her face. " I'm not saying it won't be easy. When she dies.... It will crush me. I will lose my best friend, my better half. I know I will have to fight to live on. I know my daughter will suffer. But if I hadn't married her, I wouldn't have known the best ten years of my life. I would never have been this happy. And I wouldn't have Emily. " Sharon closed her eyes. " It's worth it. Trust me. " The train slowed down. The man smiled. " I called my wife before leaving. She and Emily should be here. " Sharon felt tears well up again. The man looked so happy, so fulfilled. Was it really worth it? The man reached into his pocket and took out a perfectly round pale pink stone. " For Emily? " The man shook his head. " No. It's for my wife. I found it this morning. She is working on a water fountain. " Yes. It was worth it. Sharon's eyes fell on the leather bag. A beautiful doll. Her favorite present from her father and her stepfather. But what was she doing with it? Keeping it for her own daughter? Sharon looked up at the man, who was already looking out of the window for his wife and daughter. He had just lost his job. " There they are " he breathed, waving. Sharon smiled as she watched the man pull out his tongue at a little girl on the platform. The girl laughed, and pulled her tongue back at him. Her mother laughingly shook her head at the man, then blew him a kiss. " Sir.... " The man looked back, laughter in his eyes. Sharon took a deep breath, undid the straps of the trolley and tugged the leather bag up. " For the last couple of years, I have been living in the past. I have refused to look into the future, because I was too afraid of what was waiting for me there. But you.... You have given me a gift...." Sharon stopped, choked with emotion. She gently dropped the bag in the startled man's lap. " For Emily. " The man hesitated, then opened the bag. He sucked in his breath. " I can't accept this. " " Yes, you can. You offered me a whole life time of happiness with Pierce. The least I can do is to offer you a doll. " " I can't accept it. It obviously means a lot to you. " Sharon smiled. " And I am sure Emily will take good care of it. " The man's eyes welled up with tears. " Thank you. Thank you very much. " " Go on, go give her her Christmas present. " The man grinned. " Yes, ma'am " he said, standing up. He hesitated, then leaned over and kissed Sharon's cheek. " It's worth it " he whispered one last time before disapearing. Sharon took a deep breath. She looked out of the window and saw Pierce. Joy unlike she ever felt before spread from her heart to her entire body. She was grinning as she stepped out of the train. " Sharon ! " She let go of the trolley and ran into Pierce's arms. " I missed you, Pierce. " He laughed and twirled her around. " I missed you too. Come on, I have a surprise for you. " He reached for her trolley, then stopped. " Sharon, you forgot your bag on board. " Sharon smiled, searching the crowd for Emily. " No, sweetheart. I didn't. " " But your leather bag isn't here. " Pierce was getting upset. He was remembering the last time Sharon had lost the bag; her reactin was unlike anything he'd ever seen. " No, it's not here " Sharon soflty said. Pierce stood up, following her gaze. He watched as a man, a little girl in his arms, tenderly kissed his wife. He then bent down to scoop up the leather bag. " Isn't that.... " Sharon nodded, a soft smile on her mouth. The man watched as Emily opened the bag, then brought out the most beautiful doll he'd ever seen. Sharon grinned. " She likes it. Good. " Pierce was astounded. Sharon had never let that bag out of her sight, and here she was, giving it away. The man looked up, and grinned at Sharon. He mouthed something to her. His wife looked up then, and smiled at Sharon. Sharon, tears in her eyes, smiled back, and mouthed a thank you. " What is going on? " Sharon slipped her hand in his, put a hand around the trolley's handle and started walking. " I let go of the past. " Pierce stopped walking. His heart was beating painfully in his chest. Had he heard correctly? " Why? " Sharon faced him, hand entwined in his. She smiled up at him. " It's worth it. " Pierce's eyes filled with tears. " Will you marry me? " " Yes. "

© 2002 Sahar Sabati

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