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Stories

The End

by Jenny Senior

I woke up this morning at the same time I have been waking up for the past 47 years-- just when the light begins to peak in through the small, modest window straight across from our king sized bed. The stitched edge of the white sheets scratched against my chin as I felt the sun slowly pull my eyelids open to face the new day. I awakened to an empty home.

I could smell you, though. Oh John, did I ever tell you how wonderful you smelled on those early mornings? I would lie there, frightened that the fluttering of my eyes would awaken you, and I would slowly inhale. The innocence of the day glistened on your skin like the morning dew on the windowsill. I would watch you, your face limp, your tired body soaking in the rest it so desperately needed but never received enough of. I don't think I loved you more during the day than I did those precious moments. The imprint is still there, John. Your heavy head never moved all night, so in the morning, when you would climb out of bed, there would be a thick impression in the pillow. Yesterday, I didn't have the strength to fluff it like I always do. I probably won't do it today, either. I put my face right into the imprint on the pillow, as though to kiss you like I always wanted to those mornings but never did. I didn't want to steal sleep from you. Kisses could be taken later. The smell of your hair filled me. I closed my eyes and imagined you lying there. So many nights I would press my cheek against yours and draw in the smell of your damp shampooed hair as I confessed my love to you, as a wife should to her husband. I felt a tear start to form in my still sleepy eyes and I jerked away from you, from my memory of you. I could not wash out your smell with my tears. There were other things to do. The day was quickly passing. I went to the kitchen; tip toeing so as not to wake you. I tried so hard to be quiet while opening the refrigerator door, but it squeaked despite my silent urgencies. You are such a light sleeper, John, and I so often worry I will wake you. I pulled out a carton of eggs for your breakfast, but my hands are no longer as steady as they used to be and the eggs dropped. I tried to catch them, John, I truly did. My knees simply would not bend fast enough. I cringed from the pain and from the fear of hearing you start to shuffle about as I picked the carton up. I eased my way to the cupboard to find you some oatmeal instead, and it occurred to me that you would not want oatmeal on this spring morning. You would not want eggs, or coffee, or your clean work shirt either. You would not ask for a kiss good-bye, or an extra napkin in your lunch pail. It occurred to me that you would never again come in after a hard days work and smile at me. You would never again say you loved me, or tell me my cooking was wonderful. You would never touch me like only you know how to do. I don't understand. Why did you leave me John? Was I not a good enough wife? I tried so hard. I truly did. I'm so sorry for the time I burned your shirt while I was ironing. I'm sorry I let you sleep in late on the morning of an inspection. I'm sorry I put too much icing on your birthday cake. I'm sorry I wasn't pretty every day and that I nagged you to fix the front gate. Is that why you left me John? Was I not good enough? Is it my fault you became so sick? I should have taken better care of you John. I'm so angry with you. How could you do this to me? You promised me you would always take care of me. I need you now, John. More than ever before, I need you now. I need you to tell me everything will be okay. I need you to hug me and hold my hand. After all the years of my life that I have given to you, this is how I am rewarded? Was it all for nothing? What happens now? You never did teach me how to drive. And I don't know how to balance a checkbook. You have to teach me, John. You can't leave yet. I'm not ready! Come home, please. I will make your favorite meal (for you) and I promise I will put extra salt on the green beans just like you always ask me to do. I am so lost here without you. I have no purpose. I suppose I could make your breakfast, but you will not come out in your robe and tousled hair to enjoy it. I could make your lunch, iron your shirt, and tell you your shoes are where you always put them- under your bed. But the bread from the lunch will go stale, the crisp shirt will go unworn, and the shoes will forever remain under the bed. I could keep myself busy all day. I could clean your dirty clothes, organize your mail, set up times for you to have lunch with your friends from the club, and cook a nice big dinner. But (I know that) none of those need to be done now, John. So what am I to do? I suppose I could lie here. I am awfully tired. I will go in our bedroom and I will take a little nap. That's what I'll do John. I'll go rest some. I smell you again. I smell something else, though, too John. I worry I may have left the oven on from the oatmeal I never made. I am so tired though, John. Would you do me a favor darling? Will you just run and turn it off for me? Thank you. I'm just going to lie here and rest. I will dream of days gone and I will imagine what it will be like to be joined with you once again in heaven. I feel very warm now, John. Will you turn the air conditioner down for me, darling? Thank you. I appreciate that. I am just so tired. Goodnight John. I will see you when I awaken. ©Jenny Senior 2001

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